HELPFUL HINTS FOR DEPLOYMENT SURVIVAL
Chaplain Larry Sharp (U.S. Army Retired)

  Separations will never be fun. But neither do they have to be a disaster. The keys to survival are simple. Here are a few helpful hints on how to cope and thrive during your partner's absence.

 Be supportive of your partner and your partners chosen career. Reassure your partner that while you don't enjoy being separated and more than your partner does, you realize this is a part of your partner's work and you accept it.

 Don't forget partners get lonely, too. In some respects, your partner, may have it harder than you. While everything around you remains the same, your partner is in an unfamiliar part of the world, doing work that is often boring. Your children, which at times may seem to you to be a burden, provide the constant love and company your partner is missing.

Try to be as positive as possible in your communications. Don't just share the problems, but the good news, too. Unless it is something that you feel your partner can do something about - which is usually not the case - try to withhold bad news until there is some sign of solution... or at least improvement.

 On the other hand, don't leave any big surprises for your partners return home. Try to keep your partner informed of what is going on - both the major and the trivial.

 When it comes to writing letters, one of the best investments you can make is an inexpensive cassette tape recorder for each of you. This is especially valuable if you have small children.

Reassure your partner that he or she is still a vital part of the family.  And reassure the family that Mommy/Daddy still is included. If you have a very young child who can't understand why Mommy/Daddy is gone, you might encourage your partner to select and gift wrap a number of inexpensive trinkets before he leaves; these can be given out from time to time to let the child know Mommy/Daddy is thinking of him/her. If your partner can correlate the giving of these with appropriate comments on tape at the same time, it will be even more effective.

 Strive for real quality time with your kids. Don't worries so much about the total minutes you spend with them as much as what takes place when you are together. Contrary to popular opinion, it is not enough just to be physically present. If you're there, but too wrapped up in keeping the floors waxed or the windows cleaned to pay attention to your children, to listen - when they want to talk, then it's like neither partner is there.

Get established in some local support group even before your partner leaves.

Cultivate one or two especially good friends upon whom you can feel free to call, and with whom you can share your problems. Churches and organizations are good, but you may need the close intimate fellowship that only a small group can give.

Be wary of the rumor mill. Letters from friends (or second hand phone calls) telling you about your spouse's improper behavior are often based on conjecture, exaggeration, or out-and-out falsehood.

When tension begins to build up, remember to get physical in positive ways. Aerobics, jogging, sports, and active hobbies can take up the excess energy created by stress which might otherwise be used to go crazy or be smothered with drugs or alcohol.

Devote some time to others. This helps you take attention off yourself and your woes. And, as a matter of fact, as someone familiar with dealing with stress, you might be able to help another who's situation is even worse than your own.

Don't assume there will be no readjustment problems when your partner returns; but on the other hand, don't expect the worse. Those who work with military families say that the more separations a couple go through, the more independence each spouse becomes. Problems arise if the partner comes home and expects the other partner and family to be exactly as they were when he/she left. That just doesn't happen. And the partner who was gone has changed also. The reunion can be stressful, but is greatly eased by good communication during the separation. Be open and honest about your anxieties and fears.

Be prepared for financial and other rainy day emergencies that may crop up, and then hope they never come.

Keep a journal/diary of your thoughts and activities each day to share with your partner when they return. Include a lot of details (maybe even snapshots or drawings) of things that happen.

Little things help a lot. Cook a special meal you enjoy that your partner hates, or try a hobby you didn't have time for before.

Start some little routines that help you deal with times of emotional tiredness. Break up the week with special (regular, if possible) activities: a Friday night movie, a Tuesday afternoon shopping trip, a Monday morning Bible study class etc. Focus on things you've always wanted to do but never got around to.

Always remember: your partner can't solve your problems if your partner is on the other side of the globe. For better or for worse, it is up to you to deal with whatever crisis comes up. Both parties have to accept this and develop support and resources to cope with day-to-day living.